uh

as expected (which is good) that he msged. n he's the only one, but, so what?

(10:42 p.m.)

working on myself

i observe, i assume/process, i react.

sth.'s going on there, but i dont want to ask, just leave or the like.

make sure about wanting to know. i dont know what's this: meaningless chat, fight, or genuine talk.

no pint of revealing if not appreciated/guarantee a response (that i want).

dont feel respected, not sure whose problem it it.

if ur opinions aren't valued, what'd u do? offended or dont care?

tell/enlighten me reasons to keep sharing.

dont know well now.

if it's not special, then i wouldnt/dont need to do it.

in ur own word: u r a free man (u r free to do what u want).

(10:52 p.m.)

updates

dreamed about receiving his msg asking if i'd be okay to stay w/ Leon by myself.

the ideal relationship status: can discuss/express/talk about things openly/calmly/freely; not worry about the other'd leave, etc.

(00:11 a.m.)

after 7 yrs

and 7 times of visit,
berlin has lost its charm.
p.s. the city seems to be the one for me to part ways with ppl, probably 3 already

(2:43 a.m.)

i thought

without saying/expressing it (clearly), it won't end
even tho i'm already ending it in a way

from yesterday:
don't want to become him,
why hurt myself?
should enjoy as there's nothing right, at least i'm healthy now,
dialogues in my mind,
cried a lot during shower,
record the progress on fb stating signs,
don't focus on him,
just because you're not emotional doesn't mean you're mature,
express directly in the future?
he's an obstable?

today:
needn't to aplogize
know it'd end if i keep being like this,
inevitable,
haven't figured out another way/it's my current way,

(10:16 p.m.)

despues 9.10.19

don't have to please anymore;

i'm good, just chose not to show it now;

will not share as much as usual;

haven't made up mind if i should leave

(3:14 a.m.)

so...why?

all the worries were comforted right after a skype, then why not when there isn't?

(11:39 p.m.)

elephant in the room

it'a apparent that he didn't want to be contacted, and i was asked to stop thinking

(10:42 p.m.)

annoyed

got his replies but is angry still, not sure if no response would be better in this case;
thought to say "i haven't booked a place there"; the worry  (more like the feeling) has been disturbing, should i end it NOW or risk it anyway? apparently it's getting sour, n i don't even care about that expectation as much as before.
FUCK SATURN!

(11:44 p.m.)

daily fear

n it came true today

(00:51 a.m.)

40

like him/how we interact much these days,
basically it's because i know what's going on, and he's available;
i'm totally cool with this kind of freedom,
as long as the concern is removed

(00:36 a.m.)

un heureux événement

liked Pio Marmaï much in it;
the movie shows one of the examples, though with a happy ending

(11:06 p.m.)

there

both he and she,
yet i'm THE ONE,
c'mon, she could simply block me,
wth?
emotional and physical altogether

(4:41 a.m.)

being pushed forward

should not be afraid of of losing anyone;
mercury rx: 4 ppl "reappearred"

(1:03 a.m.)

not my problem

feeling totally calm now,
though he seemed to take it out on me by being aggressive but denied,
another time as a scapegoat,
nothing i can or want to say more,
cool

(00:09 a.m.)

1 thing left

got the feeling of abundance tonight:

a caring and available enemy (20 minutes per day is enough for me, and he shared what's going on there),

best friend and her hubby,

one new but quite supportive friend,

family,

returning old friend,

the shoes arrived out of blue

hopefully the post will be there next wk soon.

it's okay that Arwen and another old friend aren't present

(4:43 a.m.)

buttom line

i had the right to be upset.
now,
said he'd check the flight dates but didn't,
and stopped sharing.
tried already

(5:56 p.m.)

Finally

today marked the end.
is it coincidental that it's the end of the month?

(11:31 p.m.)

indecisive

have i been lying to myself?
don't want to intrude or am afraid to know?
the situation had happened when i was still there, n i didn't feel this bad;
should i try meditation?
a kind of verification of my assumption

(1:41 a.m.)

basically

all the tangible parts r mine

(2:16 a.m.)

i'm cold

because i'm sure about sth.,
at least for now

(1:51 a.m.)

okay

it's over.

(00:45 a.m.)

telepathy

couldn't really recall the face, and started to doubt whom i'd been in contact,
got a selfie today
feel sth. positive

(00:15 a.m.)

thought to

post: "we're doing good, what he did is what i expect";
but today i saw sth. and then sense other thing,
thankfully there's a distraction

(11:32 p.m.)

only memory now

he pushes me away,
i push him back,
we push each other,
maybe i should stop ruining the good parts left.

(00:55 a.m.)

0 expectation

the 1st long video chat after that, felt calm;
have officially quit spanish since then;
actually not even in a nearby city

(4:47 a.m.)